I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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