Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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