how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize