I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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