i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
