I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
