he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
