Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
