every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
