The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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