I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
