So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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