Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
