im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
