why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
