Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
