i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
