Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
