Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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