You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
