if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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