If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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