I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
