the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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