haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
