the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
