I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
