So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize