A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
