Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You smell like a Billy Joel song
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i think i just lost a toe
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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