i can't believe i had my finger in that
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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