Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
