remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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