My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
