He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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