turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How external is "for external use only"?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
