Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
