i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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