one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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