At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
