i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
