stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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