I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
