i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
