yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
