No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
