Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize