apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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