Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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