I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
