The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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