Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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