It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
