after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
