Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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