Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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