I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
