You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
