dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize