how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
